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wmp Avoid RAIN


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but
the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

1. Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."  
 
2. Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.  
 
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.  
 
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."  
 
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.  
 
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."  
 
7. A woman has twins and places them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."  
 
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.  
 
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.  
 
10. And finally, there was the person who posted ten puns, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make people laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
[Brently Aug 04]

The Woodpecker will have to go!!!!!!!!!

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting...
NOW, wasn't that nice? Pass it along and make someone else smile, too.
[Dave K 0309]

PLEASE CONSERVE!
TRUTH
is our greatest resource
— use sparingly!
(Thanks —Mark Twain)
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
 2) The farm was used to produce produce.
 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
 4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
 7) Since there is no time like the present,
      he thought it was time to present the present.
  8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
  9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant
   nor ham in hamburger;
   neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies
   while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
    quicksand can work slowly,
    boxing rings are square and
    a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but
    fingers don't fing,
    grocers don't groce and
    hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends
    and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers
    should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people
    recite at a play and play at a recital?
    Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
    Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while
    a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
    your house can burn up as it burns down, in which
    you fill in a form by filling it out and in which
    an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
    of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
   but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
[Marsha 02-02]
How (not) to speak English Properly
Hear truely are humer four editers . . .
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And the last one...
31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
[GCFL ~ Dan E]